Don't Have Dead People's Goals.

dead people.jpg

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.  We don't get to have a rewarding career, a life filled with amazing adventures, or an intimate relationship by racing for the emotional exits. 

Striving for an absence of difficult emotion is to have dead people goals. 

Don't have dead people goals. 

Emotions are the indicator lights of our hearts; they are here to direct us, not to define us.

Emotions reveal the essence of our personal truth and negative or painful emotions are simply an indicator of where our values are misaligned with what is happening.

If we are angry inside, does it mean we are an angry person? No. It's an indicator that we have been living with a situation that is misaligned with how we have been treated, or how we are living.  

If we are sad or in a state of despair, does it mean we are the depression we are feeling? No. Instead, it indicates that we have not yet fully processed something that has had a deep impact on us.

Avoiding emotion isn't going to help us enrich our lives. It's the emotion itself and exploring the emotion that offers rich and fertile ground for a shift, or for new awakenings to grow. 

Discomfort is our price of admission to a meaningful life. 

Speaking of having a meaningful life: please don't delay in registering for our weekend retreat this coming April in Kennebunk Maine. 

Mother of Dragons: Raising Our Daughters into Strong Women.

I am someone who thinks deeply about things and parenting my two children is no exception. 

Everyone says that the teenage years are the most difficult and because my daughter is the first to go through these tender years, I'm finding my footing with her as I go. 

As her mother, I've really needed to get clear about my own boundaries as it relates to her choices, requests, and behavior and I strive to parent her while also trying to maintain a sense of perspective when it comes to unintended impact. 

For example:  I want her to grow up to be a strong woman in the world with a healthy sense of self.  I want her to be able to use her voice in all aspects of her personhood without apology AND, be able to clean up her messes when she makes them with others because let's face it people, relationships get messy. So my last sentence might seem contradictory, which is the dance I'm referring to in raising my daughter to be strong, while also a woman of  tenderness and compassion for others. 

"Strong" as in: take no shit. 
"Strong" as in: I use my voice to speak my truth and declare healthy boundaries.
"Strong" as in : I can do anything I set my mind to do and I am a human being with my own mind, body & spirit and with my own individual expression of those. 
"Strong" as in: When life gets messy, I am capable of cleaning things up with integrity and heart. 
Strong does not mean aggressive or rude or insensitive. 

So for me, as her Mother, parenting her is about being very clear about what strength is and what it is not and modeling it to her, with her, and for her, until she gets it. 

This morning it was about her using her strongest tone with me and crossing my own personal boundary around how she speaks to me. 

Instead, I want her to use that tone when she is a "NO!"  to something happening that is not ok. I want her to use that tone when someone is treading on her or on someone else. Her tone this morning was directed at me based on a very full week of balancing school & social engagements & chores and of being overwhelmed while "asking me" to meet her needs around getting a ride somewhere. While I gently reminded her that I was not enjoying how she was speaking to me the first couple of times, It became apparent that I needed to bring more force and clarity to our dialog. 

It's important to me that I don't just focus on her losing her tone, because it's IMPORTANT that she keep it strong.  My job as her parent is to point out where it should be used and where it should not. 

I want my daughter to be a strong women in the world. I want to keep the dragon in her alive and strong so that she knows where to direct her fire.  As I see it, my job is to direct her fire, not extinguish it. 

Right before she left the house, she apologized, and then later.. a text. 

 

 

I KNOW GOOD MEN

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